Desperately Seeking Day-Care
We’ve been thinking about child-care for Jocelyn for a long time, before she was even conceived. Pondering the pro’s and con’s of one type versus another has occupied many an hour, and a good deal of sleep has been lost trying to figure out what is best for us. I know a lot of people will say the best thing is for the parents to stay with the child, and I agree, but for us it is not possible, for a number of reasons. For the past nearly three months we’ve been doing a split schedule of child-care that has been very hard on both of us. We hardly see each other, and except for some time on the weekends, have practically no time when all three of us are awake and together. It’s pretty similar to working two full-time jobs, and equally exhausting. Splitting time between two such demanding things generally means neither gets done as well as it should, and that’s definitely how I’m feeling about work right now.
We’ve been looking for good quality child-care for some time. Either the waiting lists are forever long or the openings are immediate. They’re all too expensive, not that we don’t value the time of child-care providers as they have an extremely important job, it’s just that our employment provides us with rather meager compensation, all things considered. We even encountered one home day care that we’d never even consider, because the woman obviously smoked in her house and was trying to cover it up by burning candles on ledges that were way to easy for a baby to reach (she wasn’t even cheap). She obviously cared about the kids and they seemed happy, but that’s just not environment we’d feel comfortable with for our baby.
A few weeks ago we went to an open house at a family based day-care, liked what we saw, and liked the center director. She seems genuinely intelligent, which I regrettably can’t say about any of the other places we explored. She wanted to be able to stay home with her children, so she converted the lower story of her house and the back-yard (a rarity around here) into a day-care center. She has helpers and children a variety of ages. We decided we would be comfortable with Jocelyn going there, and the director was willing to be flexible. We didn’t want Jocelyn in day-care full-time. It’s important to us, though perhaps a bit impractical, that Jocelyn spends more time with Matthew and I than she does at day-care. Jocelyn will go three full-days a week, so we’ll still split schedules a couple days, but we’ll be able to eat dinner together five days a week, which is important to me.
We’ve been trying to ease her into this new environment. I was afraid she’d have trouble adapting as she doesn’t always react well to strangers. Matthew took her for a play date, then left her a couple hours, and today she was there half the day. And it’s going well. And I’m relieved, I kept picturing her crying, tears streaming down her face in a strange place, and I’d tear up just thinking about. Now that it seems she’s adjusting well I must confess to being a little sad. I thought we were so bonded that she couldn’t possibly tolerate so much time without us around. Part of me is glad it’s not true, but a little voice in the back of my head says “What if she loves them more than you?” The rational part of me wants to dismiss this out of hand, but my emotional half is torn between wanting my daughter to be happy and wanting my daughter to love me. A number of mothers have told me that their children still loved them best despite being in day-care full-time so I know that I really shouldn’t worry. But that guilt nags at me, the belief that we should be the only ones caring for our child. I know that what we have chosen is truly what is best for us, and will allow us to be a happy family, instead of an over-worked couple of strangers with a child. 
I know day-care will be good for Jocelyn’s socialization, having kids of a variety of ages around her will be more like a family environment and will get her used to children of other ages as well as her own. And yet when I was rocking her to sleep for her nap, I held her much longer than was really necessary. As much as I want to see her grow up and see the person she will become, frequently I would like to stop time, to freeze her in this moment, as a beautiful smiling baby dependent on me for everything and me protecting her from the evils of the world. But the clock ticks past that moment and she grows everyday. Another tooth is coming, and she’s working on getting ready to crawl. Soon we’ll start her on solid foods. And as my mother said, the next thing I know I’ll be dancing at her wedding!
I’m so glad you found a good spot for her! We had to do the split-schedule thing after Piper was born, and it wasn’t fun.
I’m glad you found a place that you felt comfortable with. That was one of our first struggles when Payton was born. Jason’s mom had been watching Taylor while we worked, but she is aging and didn’t feel that she could handle two babies. All the daycares wanted a full-time commitment and you pay whether your kids are there or not. And with the prices they wanted on top of gas prices at that time, we wouldn’t be bringing home any money to pay the bills anyway. ($100 A WEEK per child?!? To quote Taylor “Are ya kiddin me?) When we moved home, I knew right away who I wanted to watch my girls. She used to watch the twins when they were babies! She is amazing and both my girls love it there. Jason and I often ponder how she can watch so many kids with varying ages and not be completely worn out by the end of the day. She’s in her mid- to late sixties and we struggle enough with just our two…
Day care is a necessary reality of modern life. I know it sucks to drop them off and I have moments of guilt as well, but it’s not the 1950’s anymore. In most cases both partners have to work in order to maintain a lifestyle that children are ultimately going to need. So don’t beat yourself up about the day care thing.
Another thing. Zach can put on quite a show when we drop him off sometimes – tears and clinging and wailing. But as soon as we’re out of sight, he’s quiet and happy. Kids are manipulative little critters, so don’t get sucked into that show.
We started a new day care and it’s fantastic – lots of outdoor space, male carers (which I think is a good thing), vegetarian food (so I don’t worry about him not eating vegetables at home) and walking distance from home and Sinead’s work. He’s better off there interacting with other kids than he would be at home with one of us for a lot of the time.
Nicole: Yeah the splitting shifts thing has been old for a while. I’m so glad it’s going to be limited now.
Jessica: I had to laugh at your post. You wouldn’t believe what child-care costs around here. There is no where you could get child care for $100/week, some places it is about that per day.
A Free Man: You’re not the first to warn me about the water-works! I’m hoping because we’re starting it while she’s so young that it’ll just become normal for her and no big deal. I’m probably deluding myself!
We’re still adjusting with Kyle. Now is probably a good age to start. Kyle was right in the peak of stranger anxiety and clinginess when we started last month (my mom kept him before). It’s getting better, though. I always imagined myself as a stay-at home mom. In the real world, I’ve worked full time since Kyle was 6 weeks old. It’s hard at times, but I treasure the time we have in the evenings and on the weekends. That, and I do think he benefits from being around other kids and other people. So glad you found a place you like!
We didn’t get the water works until quite some time in… let me think. R started at 13 months and I think it was around 19 or so that he would occasionally get clingy and whiney when we were leaving. Even so, we just take the time to get him settled into whatever craft/snack/play time thing they are doing and he seems to be OK.
Now our biggest challenge is to get him to not put a handful of dirt in his mouth the moment he sees us walk in to pick him up! Seriously weird, and the DCP all swear it only happens when we walk in.
As for loving them more than us, it won’t happen. Little R’s face always lights up as soon as we get there. I know he’s having a good time at daycare but it’s great to know he’d rather be with us and having the good time.
I don’t agree with Free Man. There are sacrifices you have to make for your children to be with you but living on one income is certainly possible! Jonah is in the Army and doesn’t make that much and we live VERY comfortably! I am at home with our three children everyday. I feel bad for people who REALLY can’t do the SAHM thing but there are a lot of families out there that could if they cut back on expenses and prioritized their lives.
I am sure April would have preferred to wait until she was out of Berkeley to have Jocelyn but because of her health situation decided to have her while she was still able. Unfortunately Jocelyn will be missing her Mommy during the first 2 years of her life but maybe you can come home to be with her full time when you get out of that expensive place! At least its just 3 days a week.
I worked at a day care for a month and HATED it. Watching the kids scream and cry and constantly ask where their mommy and daddy were was just heartbreaking and watching the parents disappointment when the child WOULDN’T respond when they were leaving was sad too. Even when we distracted the child long enough for the parents to leave, they would cry their eyeballs out at some point during the day wondering why mommy and daddy left them there.
And I have to disagree with you on the socialization thing. Babies don’t need other babies or people, she needs YOU April! I wish you were able to put that career thing aside for her.
I am sorry if this has offended you in any way. I didn’t mean to offend anyone and there is enough ‘Mommy wars” going on as it is.
oh and free man, My kids have everything they need, over abundance of clothing, toys, friends, food, parents, pets, and even college paid for so I am not sure what else a child could NEED. And even if they didn’t have the college thing, I think paying your own way through college certainly builds better character and you have more to be proud of and appreciate if you get yourself through it.
There are lots of things of course they don’t need like name brand clothing, overly expensive toys (if you looked in their room you would be amazed at what I have gotten for them inexpensively !) , i don’t need NEW furniture, a NEW car (in fact we don’t need two vehicles!), A big fancy house, expensive clothing and shoes, eating out for dinner more then maybe twice a month, money to blow on stupid things, getting my hair done all the time (hell I get my hair cut every two months maybe… but i want longer hair so..), getting my nails or toenails done, buying my kids every single thing they ask for….i could go on for quite some time. There are definitely things kids need: love, attention, parents, affirmation, to feel safe, discipline, to love learning and confidence. But I am not sure how day care provides for these things…..
Ah I thought I’d written this post in a way that wouldn’t elicit the stay at home debate, I guess I was wrong. I don’t think it’s possible to really understand another person’s decisions unless you’ve lived their life and had their experiences, so I respect the fact that others may not agree with my choices, but I am confident that I’ve made the decisions to the best of my ability and am doing what is best for my family.
I have nothing but respect for SAHMs. Deciding to work is only partly a monetary decision. We couldn’t survive in Berkeley on only one salary, it’s just not possible. The only real medical condition I had was turning 30, and the possibility of wanting more than one child, waiting three more years just didn’t seem reasonable. I happen to make more money than Matthew (not by much), but I don’t see anyone suggesting he should stay home. We chose to come here for very long term goals. It was the best place for our long term careers, and yes my career is important to me. I love being a scientist, and I don’t think that motherhood and my career are mutually exclusive.
In terms of paying for Jocelyn’s college, that is extremely important to both Matthew and I. We both put ourselves through school with little parental help. I spent more than a few nights unable to sleep for worry about how I was going to buy textbooks and still be able to eat. I got a good education, but I’d like Jocelyn to be able to go to a better college than I did, and with the rate that college tuition costs are increasing, I doubt many kids will be able to put themselves through school. We don’t care about tons of toys or fancy clothes, she has plenty of stuff, mostly from gifts, hand-me-downs and craigslist/freecycle. We care that she has two happy parents.
Matthew spent a lot of time at the day-care with Jocelyn getting her acclimated and all he saw were happy kids. Our day care provider is great, giving us constant updates, dedicating a staff member to Jocelyn while she gets adjusted. We visited many day-cares and even the ones we didn’t care for seemed to be filled with well adjusted, smiling, happy faces. I didn’t hear a single child crying for his or her mommy, though I’m sure they do.
I am glad that you two were able to find a day-care provider that you like and trusted. When Katie and I were first having day-care for Titus it took my whole paycheck at the end of the month, except like $30.00. It would be nice if Katie or I could stay at home with the kids but, things did not work out that way. It is possible for some people to stay at home with there kids but they are few and far between. For most people stay at home is not affordable or practical – unless you work from home which is a different story. I know if Katie or I would try to stay home with the kids our home would become the streets!
Yes the kids will act up even when there use to going to the day-care. Michael still tries to stop be from leaving, but at this point it is part of the routine. I do feel a little guilty for leaving them there but at lest I am providing them a roof over there heads and a warm place to sleep – when the heater is working! In the end I am doing what is best even if I feel like I am not. At the end of the day I love my kids and I know they love me, and the will carry me until I see them, hug them and kiss them the next time.
Ouch, some heated debate in this post. Although I would rather only work part-time that wasn’t possible for me when we moved back to Australia. I stayed at home for 11 months with Zach and honestly I couldn’t do it longer than that full-time. I needed more stimulation, I needed to use my brain. Maybe that is my intellectual failing not being able to be entertained by a baby/toddler or to make my life stimulating enough, but the thing is my career is important to me. It is something that I enjoy and get satisfaction out of. I don’t think it makes me a bad mother to want to go to work and be happy doing it. I think that the best parents are the happy parents and if you can do that staying at home then great, if you do that going to work then that is also great.
April, I am glad you have found a place that you feel comfortable taking Jocelyn. It is really important. I dropped Zach off to daycare until we recently moved and it was heartbreaking. I remember calling Chris in the car and crying-I probably cried for longer than Zach did. But chin up, they do get used to it and they do like interacting with and watching all the other children. Three days a week sounds perfect. When my mum is around (she is overseas at the moment) Zach only spends just over 3 days a week in daycare and I feel comfortable with that. You can tell when they are comfortable going to a place and when they are not. Although Zach is happy to see me when i pick him up, sometimes he drags his feet getting to me because he is so busy doing other things.
It is also really important for Jocelyn (and you and Matt) that you and Matt have a healthy relationship. If that means putting Jocelyn in daycare so you can all spend more time together as a family then that is what has to happen. She will do great!
Unfortunately, April, turning 30 is incurable. So sorry to hear you’ve been stricken with this, although as they say, the alternative is worse.
Good on you for writing such a calm, productive response. I don’t think I could have.
I agree with Sinead: at ten months, I needed to go back to work for me. It also made financial sense. Actually, it would have financially made sense for me to return to work after four months, since that was the leave my fellowship provided for. But we were in full swing breast feeding and were comfortable with the ten months.
I would also feel dreadful if, after becoming a SAHM and pulling myself from the demanding field that I’m in, I was unable to provide for my children and/or myself when (heaven forbid) something happened to my hubby. I doubt very much that I would be qualified to re-enter this field at this hypothetical later date, and so would be very unlikely to be able to earn enough to provide for my family and cover child-care costs. Something to think about…
I was in a part-time daycare situation like what you describe from a very young age, and I loved my parents more than the daycare providers.
My only surviving memory of daycare was being bitten (over some sharing issues with an Ewok jungle-house playset), but I can remember going to multiple parks and faires with my parents from that age. Ignore the irrational emotional side!
has anyone on here actaully WORKED in a daycare?
and my two little sisters work in two differant daycares as well.
tell me how much more you all know about daycare then me!
and i SERIOUSLY DOUBT that if you were given the chice between daycare and your own parents (unless they were abusive or something) that you as a child would have chose complete strangers over your own parents.
***
Emotions are not irrational. They are telling you what direction you should be going.
Why get married if not about love ( an EMOTION)
why have children if not about LOVE. they aren’t play things to toss aside when you tire of them.
Also if something happens to my husband (which, by the way is a lot more likely since he is in the Army ….) wa have our own back up. We will be able to thrive happily until the kids go to college or do what they please…
As far as the INTELLECTUAL side of things….(oh god this is so extremely boring….) I guess teachers are in the same place sahm are.
We both spend our entire day teaching Children the things they need to know to thrive in their lives…..
but I guess maybe I should just get off my ASS and GET A JOB so we can afford a second or third car, that flat screen tv, live places we can’t afford….
or maybe i could stay here and teach my children that I will always be here for them no matter what and that FAMILY goes above all else in my book.
And make my home a happy, healthy thriving, enviroment for my warrior and my 3 wonderful children
And I LOVE debate….lol
***Edited by admin
Dear April:
You sound like a wonderful mother and person. I would be proud to have you as my daughter and mother of my granddaughter.
You have put so much time and thought into trying to raise your daughter the way you and your husband think best, and that’s what’s important—not what others may think. Not many women would do what you have done as far as getting a wonderful education and becoming a mother of a beautiful little daughter. Never let other people cause you to second guess your instincts or your decisions—they are good for you, your husband, and your little one.
I would block anyone from this site that in any way might cause you the least bit of concern or that might make you second guess yourself. Being a parent is hard (and wonderful) enough without others trying to tell you how you could be doing it better. There is no “right” way—just your way.
Hang in there, Honey. You can do it.
Take care.
Sue