Comments on: Desperately Seeking Day-Care

By: Sue

Sue — Wed, 27 May 2009 22:21:51 +0000

Dear April:

You sound like a wonderful mother and person. I would be proud to have you as my daughter and mother of my granddaughter.

You have put so much time and thought into trying to raise your daughter the way you and your husband think best, and that’s what’s important—not what others may think. Not many women would do what you have done as far as getting a wonderful education and becoming a mother of a beautiful little daughter. Never let other people cause you to second guess your instincts or your decisions—they are good for you, your husband, and your little one.

I would block anyone from this site that in any way might cause you the least bit of concern or that might make you second guess yourself. Being a parent is hard (and wonderful) enough without others trying to tell you how you could be doing it better. There is no “right” way—just your way.

Hang in there, Honey. You can do it.

Take care.

Sue

By: Stephany

Stephany — Tue, 26 May 2009 18:26:18 +0000

has anyone on here actaully WORKED in a daycare?
and my two little sisters work in two differant daycares as well.
tell me how much more you all know about daycare then me!
and i SERIOUSLY DOUBT that if you were given the chice between daycare and your own parents (unless they were abusive or something) that you as a child would have chose complete strangers over your own parents.
***
Emotions are not irrational. They are telling you what direction you should be going.
Why get married if not about love ( an EMOTION)
why have children if not about LOVE. they aren’t play things to toss aside when you tire of them.
Also if something happens to my husband (which, by the way is a lot more likely since he is in the Army ….) wa have our own back up. We will be able to thrive happily until the kids go to college or do what they please…
As far as the INTELLECTUAL side of things….(oh god this is so extremely boring….) I guess teachers are in the same place sahm are.
We both spend our entire day teaching Children the things they need to know to thrive in their lives…..
but I guess maybe I should just get off my ASS and GET A JOB so we can afford a second or third car, that flat screen tv, live places we can’t afford….
or maybe i could stay here and teach my children that I will always be here for them no matter what and that FAMILY goes above all else in my book.
And make my home a happy, healthy thriving, enviroment for my warrior and my 3 wonderful children
And I LOVE debate….lol
***Edited by admin

By: mary

mary — Sat, 09 May 2009 13:31:38 +0000

I was in a part-time daycare situation like what you describe from a very young age, and I loved my parents more than the daycare providers.

My only surviving memory of daycare was being bitten (over some sharing issues with an Ewok jungle-house playset), but I can remember going to multiple parks and faires with my parents from that age. Ignore the irrational emotional side!

By: Andrea

Andrea — Fri, 08 May 2009 22:28:40 +0000

Unfortunately, April, turning 30 is incurable. So sorry to hear you’ve been stricken with this, although as they say, the alternative is worse.

Good on you for writing such a calm, productive response. I don’t think I could have.

I agree with Sinead: at ten months, I needed to go back to work for me. It also made financial sense. Actually, it would have financially made sense for me to return to work after four months, since that was the leave my fellowship provided for. But we were in full swing breast feeding and were comfortable with the ten months.

I would also feel dreadful if, after becoming a SAHM and pulling myself from the demanding field that I’m in, I was unable to provide for my children and/or myself when (heaven forbid) something happened to my hubby. I doubt very much that I would be qualified to re-enter this field at this hypothetical later date, and so would be very unlikely to be able to earn enough to provide for my family and cover child-care costs. Something to think about…

By: Sinead

Sinead — Thu, 07 May 2009 11:27:29 +0000

Ouch, some heated debate in this post. Although I would rather only work part-time that wasn’t possible for me when we moved back to Australia. I stayed at home for 11 months with Zach and honestly I couldn’t do it longer than that full-time. I needed more stimulation, I needed to use my brain. Maybe that is my intellectual failing not being able to be entertained by a baby/toddler or to make my life stimulating enough, but the thing is my career is important to me. It is something that I enjoy and get satisfaction out of. I don’t think it makes me a bad mother to want to go to work and be happy doing it. I think that the best parents are the happy parents and if you can do that staying at home then great, if you do that going to work then that is also great.

April, I am glad you have found a place that you feel comfortable taking Jocelyn. It is really important. I dropped Zach off to daycare until we recently moved and it was heartbreaking. I remember calling Chris in the car and crying-I probably cried for longer than Zach did. But chin up, they do get used to it and they do like interacting with and watching all the other children. Three days a week sounds perfect. When my mum is around (she is overseas at the moment) Zach only spends just over 3 days a week in daycare and I feel comfortable with that. You can tell when they are comfortable going to a place and when they are not. Although Zach is happy to see me when i pick him up, sometimes he drags his feet getting to me because he is so busy doing other things.

It is also really important for Jocelyn (and you and Matt) that you and Matt have a healthy relationship. If that means putting Jocelyn in daycare so you can all spend more time together as a family then that is what has to happen. She will do great!

By: Joseph

Joseph — Thu, 07 May 2009 00:40:25 +0000

I am glad that you two were able to find a day-care provider that you like and trusted. When Katie and I were first having day-care for Titus it took my whole paycheck at the end of the month, except like $30.00. It would be nice if Katie or I could stay at home with the kids but, things did not work out that way. It is possible for some people to stay at home with there kids but they are few and far between. For most people stay at home is not affordable or practical – unless you work from home which is a different story. I know if Katie or I would try to stay home with the kids our home would become the streets!

Yes the kids will act up even when there use to going to the day-care. Michael still tries to stop be from leaving, but at this point it is part of the routine. I do feel a little guilty for leaving them there but at lest I am providing them a roof over there heads and a warm place to sleep – when the heater is working! In the end I am doing what is best even if I feel like I am not. At the end of the day I love my kids and I know they love me, and the will carry me until I see them, hug them and kiss them the next time.

By: April

April — Tue, 05 May 2009 16:59:56 +0000

Ah I thought I’d written this post in a way that wouldn’t elicit the stay at home debate, I guess I was wrong. I don’t think it’s possible to really understand another person’s decisions unless you’ve lived their life and had their experiences, so I respect the fact that others may not agree with my choices, but I am confident that I’ve made the decisions to the best of my ability and am doing what is best for my family.
I have nothing but respect for SAHMs. Deciding to work is only partly a monetary decision. We couldn’t survive in Berkeley on only one salary, it’s just not possible. The only real medical condition I had was turning 30, and the possibility of wanting more than one child, waiting three more years just didn’t seem reasonable. I happen to make more money than Matthew (not by much), but I don’t see anyone suggesting he should stay home. We chose to come here for very long term goals. It was the best place for our long term careers, and yes my career is important to me. I love being a scientist, and I don’t think that motherhood and my career are mutually exclusive.
In terms of paying for Jocelyn’s college, that is extremely important to both Matthew and I. We both put ourselves through school with little parental help. I spent more than a few nights unable to sleep for worry about how I was going to buy textbooks and still be able to eat. I got a good education, but I’d like Jocelyn to be able to go to a better college than I did, and with the rate that college tuition costs are increasing, I doubt many kids will be able to put themselves through school. We don’t care about tons of toys or fancy clothes, she has plenty of stuff, mostly from gifts, hand-me-downs and craigslist/freecycle. We care that she has two happy parents.
Matthew spent a lot of time at the day-care with Jocelyn getting her acclimated and all he saw were happy kids. Our day care provider is great, giving us constant updates, dedicating a staff member to Jocelyn while she gets adjusted. We visited many day-cares and even the ones we didn’t care for seemed to be filled with well adjusted, smiling, happy faces. I didn’t hear a single child crying for his or her mommy, though I’m sure they do.

By: Steph

Steph — Mon, 04 May 2009 21:19:49 +0000

oh and free man, My kids have everything they need, over abundance of clothing, toys, friends, food, parents, pets, and even college paid for so I am not sure what else a child could NEED. And even if they didn’t have the college thing, I think paying your own way through college certainly builds better character and you have more to be proud of and appreciate if you get yourself through it.
There are lots of things of course they don’t need like name brand clothing, overly expensive toys (if you looked in their room you would be amazed at what I have gotten for them inexpensively !) , i don’t need NEW furniture, a NEW car (in fact we don’t need two vehicles!), A big fancy house, expensive clothing and shoes, eating out for dinner more then maybe twice a month, money to blow on stupid things, getting my hair done all the time (hell I get my hair cut every two months maybe… but i want longer hair so..), getting my nails or toenails done, buying my kids every single thing they ask for….i could go on for quite some time. There are definitely things kids need: love, attention, parents, affirmation, to feel safe, discipline, to love learning and confidence. But I am not sure how day care provides for these things…..

By: Steph

Steph — Mon, 04 May 2009 20:33:28 +0000

I don’t agree with Free Man. There are sacrifices you have to make for your children to be with you but living on one income is certainly possible! Jonah is in the Army and doesn’t make that much and we live VERY comfortably! I am at home with our three children everyday. I feel bad for people who REALLY can’t do the SAHM thing but there are a lot of families out there that could if they cut back on expenses and prioritized their lives.
I am sure April would have preferred to wait until she was out of Berkeley to have Jocelyn but because of her health situation decided to have her while she was still able. Unfortunately Jocelyn will be missing her Mommy during the first 2 years of her life but maybe you can come home to be with her full time when you get out of that expensive place! At least its just 3 days a week.
I worked at a day care for a month and HATED it. Watching the kids scream and cry and constantly ask where their mommy and daddy were was just heartbreaking and watching the parents disappointment when the child WOULDN’T respond when they were leaving was sad too. Even when we distracted the child long enough for the parents to leave, they would cry their eyeballs out at some point during the day wondering why mommy and daddy left them there.
And I have to disagree with you on the socialization thing. Babies don’t need other babies or people, she needs YOU April! I wish you were able to put that career thing aside for her.
I am sorry if this has offended you in any way. I didn’t mean to offend anyone and there is enough ‘Mommy wars” going on as it is.

By: Andrea

Andrea — Mon, 04 May 2009 19:17:02 +0000

We didn’t get the water works until quite some time in… let me think. R started at 13 months and I think it was around 19 or so that he would occasionally get clingy and whiney when we were leaving. Even so, we just take the time to get him settled into whatever craft/snack/play time thing they are doing and he seems to be OK.

Now our biggest challenge is to get him to not put a handful of dirt in his mouth the moment he sees us walk in to pick him up! Seriously weird, and the DCP all swear it only happens when we walk in.

As for loving them more than us, it won’t happen. Little R’s face always lights up as soon as we get there. I know he’s having a good time at daycare but it’s great to know he’d rather be with us and having the good time.