Finicky Eating
When people tell you parenting is “the toughest job you’ll ever love” they’re both right, and wrong when looked at on a day to day basis. Being a parent is the most difficult and rewarding job I’ve ever had, but I don’t love every minute of it. And it’s not the gross stuff that bothers me, changing diapers is no big deal. Baby has stomach flu and won’t let you put her down while she wretches, all in a days work. It’s the eating that’s making me crazy.
Babies are notoriously difficult eaters, and yet you have to be either feeding them, cleaning up after feeding them, or preparing to feed them what feels like the vast majority of the time. Now that Jocelyn’s a toddler with a mouth full of teeth, including a lot of molars, more solid foods are on the menu at our house. Deciding on that menu may be giving me ulcers. From one day to the next, there are very few things I can count on her to actually eat. She never seems to refuse a cheese stick, but something she seemed to love and ate tons of one evening, she may turn her nose up at and refuse to even taste the next day. Timing is important, if she’s tired, feeding her becomes a battle of wills, with Jocelyn’s apple-sauce coated hands ripping at her own hair and rubbing her face. I know I should trust that when she’s hungry she’ll eat, but then we’re also told it’s important to keep to schedules and that we should offer meals and snacks at consistent times. She reaches for anything on the table, if it’s not what you’re already trying to feed her, and is so intent on those other things, she refuses to eat. Thus bringing multiple items for a meal is problematic, but running back to the kitchen three or four times during lunch doesn’t really work either. The same principal seems to be at work when she’s drinking her milk; she’ll drink twice as much in the quiet darkness of the bedroom compared to sitting in the living-room or at the table.
She doesn’t really seem to like meat or fish, even soft and chopped into tiny pieces or mixed in with rice or veggies. Potatoes are inexplicably detested; how can you hate potatoes? She won’t touch them. Some days she’ll scarf down eggs, other days she won’t allow them to touch her lips. And suddenly during a meal she’ll go from eating something happily, to using her tongue to push the offending food out of her mouth, making as big a mess as possible in the process.
Fundamentally, feeding our children is one of the most important jobs we have as parents. When a child won’t eat not only is it frustrating, it’s worrying. Last week Jocelyn was sick, and though she had other symptoms, it was the refusal of food for two days that drove me to call the pediatrician. It turned out she had a viral infection which gave her sores in her throat, making her, understandably, reluctant to swallow. But before I knew this I was at my wits’ end, enticing her with her favorites, begging her to try anything and everything I could think of, through any means necessary. When it didn’t work, it was hard to stifle my irritation, I was even wondering how anyone could choose to have multiple children when the initial go round was so aggravating. The sleep deprivation caused by a fever and the refusal of food caused by a sore throat is a recipe for a parental meltdown.
Despite her illness, I swear she got heavier and taller last week, my arms started to feel tired carrying her when they didn’t before. It seems she’s doing fine, growing, healthy, but I can’t stop my worrying about her eating. At its core, I think the problem is with me. I’m afraid of raising a picky eater, of years of fights at meal-times. I’m old enough to remember the constant negotiation between my youngest sibling and my parents at every meal. I’m scarred by the fact that two of my brothers refused to eat at any restaurant but McDonald’s into their teen years. Any battle about food is fraught with peril, so we must tread lightly, but it’s a war we have to wage every day, and it’s wearing me down.
Not knowing anyone else with kids, I don’t know if this is at all normal, but my parents went through the same issues with me at that age. I was a skinny baby. I refused food and one of the biggest issues was that formula made me sick as a baby, so it was breast milk or nothing, until I could eat solid foods. Well, not entirely. My parents also gave me iced tea in my bottle, but that’s an aside. My mother said, that while it was worrying that I was skinny, I was never unhealthy and she decided not to force me to eat. If I was hungry enough, I’d eat. and otherwise, she tried not to worry about it. I have been told I was a picky eater, but I’m really not. I’ll try nearly anything at least once. I hated meat growing up, but my mom couldn’t cook, so her pork chops are like eating shoe leather. But I found plenty of other things to eat. I ate tons of raw vegetables and fruits from Dad’s gardens and I always ate the vegetables offered at meals. And my parents didn’t like that I wouldn’t eat meat, but that usually just meant more for my dad. I seriously doubt that any child raised in a family that loves food as much as you and Matthew do will ever become malnourished.
Intended or not, that’s funny. I know exactly what you’re talking about. Try homemade mac and cheese. That’s a favorite at our house. LOL
Does it make you feel any better to hear that I could have written this post about my older boy? Word for word? So, yeah, you’re not alone.
One thing I always tried to keep in mind is how very small a young child’s stomach actually is. Keep the portions extremely tiny and only offer two things at most at a time. Limit fluids at mealtime, they fill up precious space so give them in a tiny cup. Anyway, they’re likely to get poured onto something. So limit the fluid they have to drink to only a couple of tablespoons at a time. Don’t offer things with much texture or body until they get older. Too much texture puts babies off… avoid broccoli and crunchy, hard stuff, for example. Even if they have teeth, think mushy and overcooked and you’ll get better acceptance of the food.
My experience with seasonings for kids was that they like stuff seasoned pretty much like elderly adults do. Keep the seasonings mild, but they do like salt. If you cut it back they’ll hate the food because it will be flat.
If she doesn’t like the food, just whisk it away and do not replace it with her favorite stuff. That’s just the end of the meal. Clean her up and send her on her way hungry. She won’t starve if she doesn’t eat a full meal once in a while. If a child thinks they can just refuse food after food and an endless selection will be brought for them to choose from, then why not play that game? It gives them power. Don’t play power games with her. It’s very important now that you are no-nonsense about this and that you win. Because if she wins, she loses. So, offer her food, but if she doesn’t eat it, that’s her problem. She’ll be back asking for more soon, and you can offer her the same stuff. But act dumb for a while, like you cannot understand why she would be hungry, since she just ate. Let her get good and hungry before you give her a little bit to tide her over to the next meal.
Oh, and don’t feed her unless you’re pretty certain she’s hungry, that’s a recipe for a battle too.
Hmmm. We’ve been incredibly lucky in this regard. Both the kids are great eaters and there are very few times that we’re frustrated by feedings (the unsaid comment being, of course, that there are daily frustrations about many other things!) I’ll offer up some of our tactics to try to help, but I do think the #1 reason we’re successful is because our kids like to eat, so not our success but theirs.
Key to our approach is the idea that children want to assert their independence and eating is one of the first things they see they can control and can aggravate parents. So one of the approaches we take is to offer choices about the non-essentials. What colour fork would you like? What colour bowl? Would you like water or milk? Which bib to wear? And even some times at lunch I offer a choice between two acceptable meals. C’sister had a technique that worked like a charm: she noticed that her toddler always picked the second choice so that’s where she put what she wanted the kid to choose. Want nephew W to drink milk? Offer him juice or milk!
Once we’re into the meal, sometimes R will stop eating and tell us he needs a cloth (cleaning his face signals to him that he’s done). If we think it’s necessary, we’ll start negotiations that go something like this: Would you like some pears/fruit cocktail for dessert? Yes? Then you need to eat two/three/four more bites (of meat, of peas, or just whatever). Can you count with us? He knows that if he does eat the specified number of mouthfuls, he’ll get the “dessert” and if he doesn’t eat them, he doesn’t get it. So it’s ultimately his choice.
I also find that if I load up his fork and shove it in his face, he immediately rejects. But if I load up his fork and nonchalently leave it sitting on the plate while acting like I could care less, odds are he’ll eat the forkful on his own.
Other hints… We make them sit at the table while our family has the meal. Even as babies, both kids sat/sit with us (if awake). R’s plate stays in front of him while the meal is on, even if he thinks he is done. R eats the same meal we eat (unless, like last night, it is super spicy – he got steak left overs while we eat hot italian sausages). If R wants to try something on the table that he doesn’t have, unless it’s alcohol (or my diet pop), he gets a small sample. We don’t offer alternatives, if he decides he’s not eating then he doesn’t get any dessert or favourites. We have a special time out for at the table, when cutlery gets repeatedly dropped, feet come up, etc, where we turn the chair around (i.e. he can’t leave the table by getting himself into time out).
I hope this helps! A
I just don’t want food to be a battle with winners and losers! I know it’s a common problem, it’s actually gotten a little better since we stopped giving her so much milk. Thanks for all the advice.